Bob Jones – billionaire, politician, columnist and apparently, sociologist and economist.
In a column titled “Why Ponytailgate is Nonsense”, Bob made exacerbated palliated claims in attempt to trivialise the situation (Straw Man Argument, anyone?), saying John Key, ”presumably exercising a perk of office, had seemingly hurled a coffee-shop waitress to the floor, then not once but twice, and regardless of his accompanying wife’s feelings let alone those of the other patrons, their children, two sensitive pet dogs and a wheel-chaired granny, violently had his way with her. Then emerging triumphantly from under the table wearing her knickers on his head, he’d searched around for fresh victims, before launching salivating and naked into the street in a quest for fresh flesh to commit his vile corruptions on.”
He thrashed the media, calling the catch-all “ponytailgate” “a groaning giveaway of journalistic shoal fish mediocrity”. Lest we forget, however, that Jones uses said media as his own platform to document his [can we say objectionable?] musings, but hey he’s rich so whatever.
Nonetheless, ponytails were designed to be tugged, he said.
“Ponytails, which I’m a fan of, have been tugged by males since they were invented by the third century BC Macedonian poet Samus, who wrote lyrically and at length on the desirability of pulling them.”
He went on to say that he at times enjoyed pulling his 7-year-old daughter’s #tail #ugh #gross.
The stellar of a paragraph finished on a high, where he described the Human Rights Commission, the Children’s Commission and Women’s Affairs as a “mob” of “mad women” that were otherwise “all utterly unnecessary agencies which greatly irritate everyone at the long-suffering taxpayer’s expense”.
Well if you’re not frothing at the mouth already, he actually ran quite the stunner of piece titled “no pretty girls in the provinces” just one week before his “jumping on the bandwagon” piece, as described above #meow.
“I’m aware there are *no pretty girls in the provinces, for as fast as they come off the production line, they sensibly up sticks for the big smoke,” he said.
“Indeed last year while in a provincial city with a mate, I made this observation and wagered $20 that he couldn’t find one. After half an hour’s research through the CBD, ducking into shops and offices, I let him off for a tenner, which showed God likes me. For immediately following payment we turned a corner and encountered a Chinese stunner at the front desk of a plainly new beauty clinic. But it’s odds-on she’s not home-grown, or alternatively is deranged.
“These sociological observations testify to the exquisite symmetry of the market system or conversely, the market deploring a vacuum, there’s a reverse flow from city to country by plain, husband-seeking fat girls, filling a rural void. The market always finds its own levels, thus these classical supply and demand female migrations, which incidentally, is the sort of practical case-study economics students should be undertaking instead of the rubbish they’re taught.”
No wait, there’s more! He went on to randomly discuss David Gray and a theatrical performance from the National Library comprising of women. And of course, his flagrant objectification went one step further to describe the said women as follows:
“One suspects these ladies will not be of the category who would interest Berlusconi, nevertheless, to add to the excitement they’re offering a post-performance question and answer session. Hitherto I thought white-feather issuing was the sole role of our First World War womenfolk, but perhaps these ladies are being “creative.” Possibly in the Q and A session they will discuss knitting styles as on reflection, white-feather distributing aside, a fair amount of sock-production probably occurred for the blokes in the trenches.”
HOLY BLOODY HELL. What would that “mad woman” that is EEO Commissioner Jackie Blue think of this one? For those who champion the feminist agenda, Rep Chic can only advise that they stay clear of the comments section of these strangely crafted columns.
To conclude, while Bob is particularly scathing of journalists in the sense that Evelyn Waugh’s book Scoop “sends up gloriously the news creation activities of journalists, and in particular their ability to actually make their fictitious accounts a reality through repetition,” let’s hope his repetitive misogynistic rhetoric doesn’t have that very same effect.
* We could talk at lengths about Bob’s interesting use of “let’s discriminate everyone other than rich, white, men” but, our use of “bold” really says enough, we thinks.
**Disclaimer: Bob Jones you are rich and powerful please don’t punch us for questioning you. Also we have no money so please don’t sue us for defamation.